


Moments We Keep Forever

by conceptstage



Series: Single Chapter Critical Role [110]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Past Lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:48:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22052038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/conceptstage/pseuds/conceptstage
Summary: It might be a dream.She doesn’t usually remember these things, she’s not sure how they’re supposed to feel. It's like her mind was moving through thick fog but the world around her was moving a million miles an hour.
Series: Single Chapter Critical Role [110]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1436668
Comments: 8
Kudos: 106





	Moments We Keep Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, this is way different than my usual stuff but the idea wouldn't leave me alone. I'm sorry.

It might be a dream.

She doesn’t usually remember these things, she’s not sure how they’re supposed to feel. It's like her mind was moving through thick fog but the world around her was moving a million miles an hour.

_“Stop her!” someone said._

_She looked back and realized suddenly that she was running through a street. The architecture was Dynasty and the guards chasing her were mostly drow and one half-orc. “Come and get me, if you can!” she called, but the voice wasn’t her own. She turned back to look ahead and jumped over a cart that was crossing the street. She looked down at the bag in her hand. Her dark purple hand. Her long white hair was braided over her shoulder. She was a drow._

_What kind of dream was this?_

_She turned the corner and crashed into a tall, hard form, falling back onto the cobblestones. “Motherfucker! Ow!”_

_“That language is not appropriate for someone of your stature, Sunbreaker Hestialle.”_

_Beau grinned and looked up into Leylas’ beautiful, bright eyes. “Leylas!” she exclaimed, pleased. “I was hoping I’d run into you. Or, well… you know what I mean.” Somehow Beau knew instinctively that this was Empress Leylas Kryn, but she looked different than the woman Beau knew. She had a masculine face and body with long, intricate braids that must have taken hours to get right._

_Maybe this wasn’t a dream?_

_Maybe this was really one of the Bright Queen’s past lives?_

_No, that’s not possible. How would Beau know that?_

_Leylas raised a meticulously groomed eyebrow. “Sunbreaker Hestialle-”_

_“Oh, come on, Love, don’t be so formal with me.” She winked and could have sworn that Leylas’ cheeks turned a bit darker._

_“Your Illuminance!” one of the guards exclaimed as they turned the corner. The guards all immediately moved to bow but Leylas held up her hand._

_“I can handle this, men. Carry on. Thank you for your service.” The guards hesitated but turned to leave. Leylas waited until they were gone to turn and glare at Beau, her hands on her hips. “What were you thinking, Hessie?”_

_Beau’s grin widened and she got to her feet, brushing the dust off her ass and knees. “That’s more like it. You’d think we were strangers, calling me by my title, what were_ you _thinking?”_

_“At least I_ was _thinking. You couldn’t possibly have had a single coherent thought in your head to break into the Din Yero offices.” She sighed and put a hand on her forehead. Her nails were painted bright blue. Beau thought it was a lovely color on her. “Are you trying to get kicked out? No other Din will take you, you know.”_

_“Then I’ll make my own.”_

_“It’s not that easy.”_

_“You know me, Love, I never take the easy route.”_

_“You can’t refer to me that way. Not in public.”_

_Beau looked around the mostly empty street to see someone people staring out their windows as the Queen graced them with her visage. She turned back to Leylas and smirked, winking at her. “Then shall we find somewhere more private, My Queen?”_

_“No. After last time, I fear that may be too dangerous. I was missing for eight hours and people were worried I’d been taken by the Empire.”_

_“You were taken, but not by the Empire.” Leylas groaned and turned away but there was a distinct blush on the tips of her pointed ears. “Come on, you love a little bit of danger.”_

_Leylas hesitated, her hands on her hips. “Fine. But we’re just talking.”_

_“Of course.”_

_“Nothing else.”_

_“Sure.”_

_“Our clothes stay on the entire time.”_

_“Sounds boring, but alright.”_

_“You will not get me back in your bed.”_

_Leylas gasped as she laid down on Beau’s bed. “Oh, Hessie,” she gasped. “You are going to get me in trouble.”_

_Beau grinned and dropped down beside her running her fingers through the pale hair of Leylas’ happy trail. “You’re the motherfucking Bright Queen, Love, who are you going to get in trouble with?”_

_Leylas opened her mouth but, when she caught Beau’s eyes, her mouth snapped shut. “You wouldn’t understand.”_

_“Try me. I know you Leylas, better than anyone. I would know and love you, no matter the lifetime, no matter the distance.” She took Leylas’ much larger hand and brought it to her lips, kissing each knuckle gently. She grinned. “Lay your trouble on me, Love. Then later you can lay other things on me.”_

_Leylas opened her mouth to speak again, but then she turned to her with a glare. “Wait. Speaking of trouble, what were you doing breaking into the Yero offices? You tried to distract me, you snake.”_

_Beau grinned. “The distraction was just a happy side benefit.” She huffed and threw herself out of the bed, padding quickly over to the rucksack that was abandoned by the door. “Fuck, it’s cold,” she hissed, picking up the rucksack and jogging back. She leapt into the bed and Leylas screamed as she dodged her lover’s flying body. Beau laughed and pulled the blankets up over her legs. “Sorry, Love,” she said, rooting around in her rucksack. “I found it.”_

_Leylas frowned and sat up. “Found what?”_

_“Proof. You told me that if I was suspicious of the Din that I should find proof of their corruption, otherwise you couldn’t do shit about it.”_

_“I didn’t say-”_

_“And here it is.”_

_Leylas raised an eyebrow but took the papers that Beau handed her. She read them over quickly, her posture tightening and her eyes widened the more that she read. “Hessie… this-”_

“Beau!” Beau gasped as she woke, her fist snapping out without her sayso and connecting to something. “Oh, fuck-” Fjord exlcaimed, moving away from her quickly and rubbing his chin. “Goddamn. You’d think I’d know better by now.”

Beau frowned and sat up in her bed. “What's going on?”

“You slept in,” Jester said, sitting on her own bed. “You missed breakfast.” She grinned and moved to sit beside Beau on her bed. “You were smiling in your sleep. Was it a good dream?” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Was it a sexy dream?”

Beau paused, frowning. “Yeah,” she said, after a few moments of silence. “Yeah, it was a sexy dream.”

The next dream came two nights later.

_Beau was standing in the street again, looking up as some workers attached her new symbol above the door of her office. A lion’s head with his mouth hanging open and a robin sitting on his tongue without a care. It was a provocative symbol and she liked that about it._

_“You actually did it.”_

_Beau turned around to find her queen standing behind her, looking up at the symbol in awe. Beau grinned. “I told you I would. Did you actually doubt me?”_

_“It’s so much paperwork, though. You actually sat down and did all of that paperwork?”_

_“Yep. I’m willing to go to any lengths to get what I want, Love, and I wanted my own Din.”_

_She sighed. “I’ll see what I can do about getting you a Shadowhand and then we’ll start assigning you Prodigies. As a new Din you-”_

_“Nope. I’m fine.”_

_Leylas paused and blinked at her. “You’re… fine? In what way?”_

_“I don’t need a Shadowhand. I don’t need any Prodgidies.”_

_“You started a Din just so that you could be the only person in it?”_

_“Yep. I don’t have to rely on anyone else, I don’t have to trust anyone else, I don’t have to answer to anyone else.” She turned to Leylas and bat her eyelashes comically. “Except for you, Love.” She pulled her shield off her back and showed it to Leylas. It was a simple shield design but it had her new symbol right in the center. “Din Kykus. Because I’m your sentinel. Your guardian.”_

_Leylas reached up to run her fingers gently over the shield. “You realize… when you die there will no one to take care of all the paperwork and responsibilities until you’re ready to come back. It’ll pile up and you’ll have to take care of it at some point.”_

_Beau shrugged. “That’s future me’s problem.”_

When Beau woke up, Jester was still snoring in the next bed. She sat up and looked outside. It was hard to tell whether or not it was still night because she didn’t have the sun for reference, but the streets were mostly empty of non-elf people. There were drows in the streets around the clock but the orcs and such at least needed a few hours of sleep. She got quickly dressed and made her way silently down the stairs.

“Beau?” Caduceus asked as she passed by the dining room door. She peeked inside and saw him steeping some tea at the dining table. “You’re up early.”

“I’m going for a walk.”

“Are you alright?” he asked, though the look on his face said that he could tell that she very much wasn’t alright.

“I don’t know.”

“If you need anything-”

“I know where to find you. Thanks.”

He nodded and took a sip of his tea. “Have a nice walk, Kiddo.”

Beau left the house, moving through the city streets like she knew them. And she did. She knew which turns to take, she knew which were dead ends, she knew where the gossipy old ladies hung out and how to avoid them even though Beau was sure that they wouldn’t bother trying to talk to her. The roads were familiar but it was almost like it was someone else’s knowledge in her mind.

Beau followed the new map in her mind until she seemed to find what she was looking for. It was an otherwise unremarkable building. Dark brick , two stories,with a wooden door that hung loose on its hinges. But there was a metal sign hanging above the door. A sign in the shape of a lion with a robin in it’s mouth.

“It’s real…” she mumbled. She had hoped it was some kind of delusion.

She took a moment to look around and make sure that no one was paying attention and then got to work picking the lock. She pushed the door open and it squeaked but when she paused to listen, it hadn’t seemed to gather attention. She shut and locked the door behind her before taking in the room.

It was clean but it clearly wasn’t a space where someone lived or worked. There was probably a cleaning service that came by once every few weeks to keep the place from falling apart. It was somewhat small, just large enough for a single person to work comfortably. There was a desk near the back wall, old and stately, and the walls were lined with empty bookshelves. There was another door in the back of the room which Beau assumed lead to the second floor she’d seen from outside. An apartment probably.

She headed first for the desk, pulling open all the drawers and finding them empty. She cursed under her breath and felt around the bottom of the desk for anything that might be hidden from view. She didn’t find anything, which she expected. That was such an obvious hiding place, she expected better of Hestialle, whoever she was. She double checked the bookshelves but they were empty, not a single loose piece of paper to be seen. Feeling dejected but determined, she opened the door which lead to a set of stairs.

Upstairs was a little more homey and comfortable, though it was obvious that no one had slept in that bed for at least a couple centuries, there wasn’t even a mattress. She looked under the bed, checked the floor boards for any sign that they were loose and able to be lifted away. She checked the chair that sat alone in the corner and under the empty ice box but there was nothing.

Lastly she checked around the brick chimney in the center of the wall and paused.

There wasn’t a fireplace downstairs.

She started wiggling the bricks of the chimney until she found one that slipped out with a little bit of work. When she looked inside to could barely see the bottom with her goggles on. There was something down there.

She hurried back down the stairs and went to the part of the wall where there should be a fireplace but the wall was flat wood panels. She started picking at the edges with her fingernails until she found one that began to peel away. She pulled on it with all her might until it fell away and crashed to the floor. She squeezed her shoulder into the cavity in the wall and found the fireplace. It was unused, not a single cinder on the inside, but the bottom was covered in papers and there were three leather bound books. The papers were laying against the side haphazardly without any organization so she was pretty sure that they’d been dropped from the loose brick on the second floor. She gathered everything up quickly and shoved them into her rucksack.

There was a noise at the door as someone jiggled the doorknob.

“Fuck,” she hissed, then moved quickly and quietly up the stairs just in time for the door to get kicked open.

There was movement and voices downstairs and Beau pulled up the window.

“Upstairs!” she heard someone say.

She shoved herself out the window and then swung up onto the roof. She ran along the roof and then leapt onto the neighboring room, then to the next roof and the next until she felt that it was safe to find a way to the ground.

She was breathing heavily when hse finally made it back into the house. She scowled when the alarm went off above her head. “It’s just me,” she gasped, leaning back against the door to try and catch her breath.

Caduceus stepped into the foyer and gave her an even look, displaying nothing on his face. “Have a nice walk?”

“Lovely actually. Very relaxing.” She ran her hand over her forehead to wipe away the gathering of sweat in her eyebrows. “How was your tea?”

“Too sweet. Do you want to talk about whatever it is that you’re running from?”

“No, I do not.”

“Are you in danger?”

“Not anymore.”

“Good.” Then he turned to leave. Beau wasn’t sure, but she thought he might have been judging her. She moved through the house and then down into the basement. No one had claimed it yet and they weren’t really sure what to with it but it was pretty much accepted that it was a place anyone could go to if they needed alone time. If the hatch door was closed, you didn’t go in. Unless there were screams for help. So far no one had screamed for help, but Jester felt it was important that they made that stipulation.

There were barrels of food stored down here and she started laying the papers and books out on the closed tops as a sort of makeshift table. All of it was old and some of it was falling apart. The dates scrawled in the corners were from at least two centuries ago, with the oldest entry in the books being five centuries old. The books seemed to be some kind of journal. She flipped through them, deciding to read it all later when she had more time. She focused on the loose papers instead.

Some of them were in the same handwriting at the journals, probably Hestialle’s writing. A lot of the papers were letters addressed to her in delicate, curly handwriting. She took a few moments to read one.

‘Dearest Hessie,

This assignment has taken you far from me for so long that I’m worried I’ll forget the sight of your face and the taste of your mouth. I hope that you are thinking of me even when we’re far apart.’

She skipped the romantic nonsense to read the end.

‘Use my words to comfort you in the darkest of nights. The smallest insect is as lonely as the tallest-’

“What the fuck,” she said, out loud. “The smallest insect is as lonely as the tallest tree. Sincerely yours, Leylas Kryn. The doesn’t make any fucking sense.” A light bulb went off in her mind. “Unless... It’s not supposed to make sense. It’s a code.”

With all her code breaking training, she went back over the letter, using the last sentence as the key. Then she went over the remaining letters, using the last line in each one and was able to put together a timeline of the order they were sent back and forth. Hestialle and Leylas seemed to be discussing someone that they suspected of treason but they never named the person. Was this related to Din Yero that Hestialle had been investigating or was this something else. The letters never reveal if the situation was resolved, they end two centuries ago with a letter from Hestialle to Leylas that says she’s getting close to the answer. She wonders if they ever caught him. She folded up the letters and her scrawled translations and stuck them into the front of one of the journals.

There was a banging on the basement hatch. “Beau! Time for breakfast!” Caleb called.

“Take your time though, if you’re masterbating!” called Jester next.

Beau rolled her eyes. “I’m not-! Forget it, I’ll be right up!”

She flipped over the potato barrel and pulled off the fake bottom, shoving the books inside with the other things that she didn’t want the others to get their hands on. Being able to make barrells from scratch had its benefits. She replaced the bottom and righted the barrel, taking care to make sure that the line of the dust didn’t reveal that it had been moved.

She dreamed again that night.

_Beau stood in the doorway, looking at the woman laying in the bed. She was breathing heavily but her eyes were closed. She smiled though, so she must have heard Beau enter. “Hessie,” she whispered._

_Beau stepped forward to stand by the bed. She took her lover’s hand in her own and squeezed. “You’re not allowed to die now,” she said. “We’re supposed to die at the same time so that we’re always together when we come back.”_

_“It doesn’t always work that way, Love.”_

_Beau blinked and felt tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. “You never call me that.”_

_“It will be a long time until we’re able to be together again. I wanted to remind you of how I felt one last time until then.”_

_“I don’t mind waiting for you. I’ll wait a thousand years if I had to.”_

_“Only a thousand?”_

_“Well, after that I’ll probably get bored, you understand.”_

_Leylas chuckled deeply, then paused to cough. “This lifetime is only half an elf. They don’t live as long as we’re used to.” She ran her wrinkled thumb over the backs of Beau’s fingers._

_“I wanted to warn you,” Beau said, sitting on the edge of the bed. “The person we’ve been trying to find… I think it’s someone high up in your service. He could be one of the people who will raise you in your next life. He will try to influence you towards war. Don’t let him.”_

_“You know who he is?”_

_Beau hesitated. “Not a name. Not yet. But if I was trying to start a war with the Empire, that’s what I would do. Time is nothing to him just as it’s nothing to us. It could take centuries and he will wait it out. You cannot let anyone influence you, Leylas. War will be the end of us. It will be the end of you. I know it.”_

_“You worry too much. When I’m born again and come of age to take my crown once more, I will find you and you will guide me on the righteous path as always. There is no one’s council that I value like yours, no one who could influence me away from your values.”_

_Beau sighed but gave her a small smile. “I hope you’re right.” She leaned forward to press her lips against Leylas’ brow. “I would know and love you, no matter the lifetime, no matter the distance.”_

_Leylas sighed weakly. “You sap.”_

_“Only for you. Die well, Love. We’ll see each other again.”_

_“Will you stay? Until I’m gone?”_

_“They’ll have to drag me away.”_

They were on the road, travelling south to the ocean for their newest job from Waccoh. She woke up with the morning sun on her face for the first time in months.

“Were you crying?” Nott asked from a few feet away.

Beau sniffled and wiped at her eyes, looking around the camp to see if anyone else was awake. No one was, it was just her and Nott. “No,” she said, defiantly. “Course not.”

“Seems to me like you were crying.”

“Well, you were wrong.” She noticed that Nott was reading something and took a moment to look at it more closely. There was no discernable title on the cover of the leather bound book and all the writing was by hand instead of print copied. “What are you- Is that mine?”

Nott snatched it away when Beau reached for it. “I was bored on watch,” she said, jumping to her feet “...and I looked for books in your bag.” She darted away from Beau’s quick hands but Beau caught her by the cloak. “Wah!” she exclaimed and Beau heard the others start to stir behind her. “Stranger danger! Stranger danger!”

“Shut up and give me-” She pulled Nott into her embrace to hold her still and wrestled the book out of her grasp. “Motherfucker! Watch the claws!”

“What the hell are you two doing?” Caleb yelled, sitting up and glaring at them.

“Nott stole my book!”

“I was bored!”

“Well learn to knit or some shit, don’t just steal from your friends because you’re restless!” She wrenched the book out of Nott’s grasp and then shoved her away, holding the book to her chest. She grabbed her rucksack and looked inside as she shoved the book in. Nothing else was missing and the other two books were in her hiding spot back home with the letters.

“It was boring anyway,” Nott mumbled, dusting off her dress. “It’s written like a diary or something, lame.”

Beau rolled her eyes. “It _is_ a diary, dumbass.”

Jester yawned and rubbed her tired eyes but then grinned. “You have a diary, Beau? That’s so cute, can I read it?”

“No.”

“No fair! You let Nott read it!”

“I didn’t- It’s not my diary, it’s some else’s diary.”

“Why are you reading someone else’s diary? That’s rude,” said Caduceus. “My sister read mine once and I moved her bed into a tree while she was sleeping.”

“This person is dead, it’s not like they’re around to complain about it. Come on, you guys, just forget about it. I just brought it along for some light reading.”

“Then why can’t I read it?” Nott asked.

“Because you stole it.”

“Oh. Well, can I please read it with your permission?”

“No. I thought it was boring, why do you want to read it at all?”

“Because you’re being secretive about it. I’m intrigued and I want to bother you about it.”

Beau sneered and flipped her off. “Fuck you.”

“Caleb,” she said quietly, when she was sure that everyone else was asleep two nights later.

He didn’t look at her, just stared out into the dark trees that surrounded their camp. “Ja?”

“Something weird is happening to me. I don’t want the others to know just yet.”

Caleb didn’t answer right away. “Beauregard, you can discuss anything with me.”

“No judgement?”

“Silent judgement.”

She chuckled and rolled her eyes. “I guess that’s the best I can expect. I’ve been having… dreams.”

“Nightmares?”

“No. Not really. They’re not about me. Or- Well, they are about me but a different me.”

“I do not understand.”

She sighed and said aloud the fear that had been growing in her chest for a week. “You remember how Essek told us that people who were consecrated were reborn? He said that, usually when they were young, they’d have dreams and visions of their past lives and slowly but surely all their memories would come back?”

Caleb was quiet again. “And you think… You think that this dream is a past life?”

She bit her lip. “Yeah. Yeah, I do. Hear me out, alright, don’t just write me off. In the dreams I’m a drow, right? The queen is there and she calls me Hessie, which is short for Hestialle, and we get it on like, all the time.”

“Are you sure this is not just a normal sex dream?”

“No, because-” she sighed. “I had a dream about Hestialle starting her own Din. Din Kykus. She had an office for it with the symbol of a lion with a robin sitting in its mouth. I went to her office and I found a bunch of coded letters that she and Leylas were sending to each other and three diaries written by her.”

“You saw this office in your dream and it…”

“It was real, man. I went there to prove to myself that I was delusional but it was real.”

“Do you…” he paused and let the question hang in the air for a moment. “Do you still feel like yourself or do you feel like Hessie?”

“I’m still me, alright? It’s like there’s a second person’s memories in my head sometimes but the one in charge is still me. If that ever changes you have my permission to do what needs to be done. From what I’ve seen of her… she and I are pretty similar and I can’t help but wonder if I’ve been her this whole time. Was there ever a ‘Beau’ or was I just Hestialle with a different name? Am I me because she was her or does that even make sense? Am I just going crazy?”

“I do not think you’re crazy,” Caleb said softly. “I believe you.”

She was quiet for a long moment. “Do you hate me?”

“No,” he answered quickly. “I don’t.”

She leaned back against his back. “Thanks,” she whispered.

“We will figure this out, Beau.”

Hearing him say her name calmed the panic in her blood and she nodded, going back to watching the perimeter for danger.

He was watching her closely the next morning. She doesn’t blame him. She’d keep an eye on her too. He must not have seen anything to raise his suspicions because he went back to normal after the first few hours.

_Beau stood in front of the Luxon and frowned. “She’s been gone for so long. It’s never taken this long for her to be reborn. Where is she?”_

_“We must be patient,” said Shadowhand Inora._

_“Fuck being patient,” Beau sneered, pacing around. “She’s in danger, you know this, Inora. I have to protect her.” She looked over her shoulder at Inora and frowned. Inora was a middle aged elf with a shaved head and a choker around her neck with a big red ruby in the center._

_“And you will.”_

_Beau looked at the door when it opened and two men walked in. A drow that she didn’t recognize and a half orc she did. He’d been following her for the last two weeks. She scowled. “Who are these people? What’s going on, Inora?”_

_She turned to Inora but the woman wasn’t even looking at her. “Are we ready?” she asked._

_The drow man nodded and smirked. He pulled his bag off his shoulder and pulled something vaguely round out of it. “We’re ready.”_

_“Inora, is that-” she paused. It was a Luxon. She recognized it as the one that had gone missing almost a month ago. They thought that it had been taken by the Empire like the others but there it was, in drow hands. She pulled her shield off her back and held it up in front of her, between herself and Inora. “What the fuck is going on, Inora? I want some answers. Now.”_

_Without a word, just a nod from the drow man, the half orc charged towards her. She dodged out of his path and rolled back up to her feet._

_“Oh, you didn’t tell me she was talented, Inora Dear.” He waved his hands and Beau felt her entire body start to slow. She felt like she was moving through molasses and the drow and half orc walked over. The half orc picked her up easily, holding her arms down at her sides as the spell faded. She screamed and struggled against the hold but the grip was too tight._

_“I’m going to slaughter you motherfuckers!” She breathed deeply as she stopped struggling and glared at Inora as the woman walked over and took the Luxon, turning it over in her fingers. “Inora… It was you, wasn’t it? The one who was planning the war.”_

_“Of course it was me, Darling. I thought that would be clear to you by now, as I’m betraying you. But you were never the brightest, were you?” She smirked and patronizingly poked Beau’s nose. Beau growled and snapped at her, catching her finger between her molars and biting hard until she tasted blood in her mouth. “You bitch!” There was a slap on the side of her face but she didn’t let go. She bit down harder and harder until she felt the bone crack under the strength of her jaw._

_Inora was screaming and slapping Beau with her free hand but Beau was determined. She wasn’t going to let go. She tore her face away, pulling half of Inora’s pointer finger with her. She held it between her teeth, growling feral-like when the drow man reached for her mouth to take it. He hesitated and then went to comfort Inora instead._

_“She’s insane,” he said, quickly casting a spell to staunch the bleeding while Inora gasped in pain. “We’ll reattach the finger, Inora, when that beast releases it.”_

_Beau scowled. She was going to regret this, but she couldn’t stand the thought of Inora having the last laugh by reattaching the finger that Beau had worked so hard to take._

_She swallowed the finger, smirking with red stained teeth._

_Inora screamed in rage. “Kill the bitch! Make her suffer, Tirrek!”_

_“She will, Love, she will suffer, I swear it. Haren, take her to the carriage.” The half orc’s arms got tight around her throat until the world went dark around her._

Beau woke up, gasping for breath and holding her own throat. She coughed and turned over onto her side to clear her throat. She could still feel the press of strong hands against her throat, squeezing the breath from her lungs.

Someone started rubbing circles on her back. “Shhh, shhh,” Jester said kindly. “It’s alright. Nothing can hurt you now, you’re okay.” She stayed with Beau until she was breathing calmly again and then helped her back over onto her back. “Bad dream?”

“Yeah,” Beau mumbled, her voice rough from coughing. She looked around the camp to see that she had woken everyone up. She met Caleb’s eyes and he was looking at her with concern in his posture and she quickly looked away. “I’m fine. Thanks, Jes.”

“Okay. If you’re sure. I hope you have super sweet gumdrop dreams.”

She did not get back to sleep that night, choosing instead to stare at the stars until they faded into the morning light.

She knew what was coming next. Somehow, she knew. She didn’t sleep the next night either.

Or the next.

She didn’t sleep until she passed out back in her bed at the Xorhaus to the sound of Jester’s gentle snoring across the room, unable to keep her eyes open for even a moment longer.

She woke up sobbing.

She grabbed at her chest but there wasn’t a knife sticking out of it like she had been expecting.

She was alone in the room when she sat up and she could feel in her body that she’d been asleep for way longer than she should have been, even though the sky was perpetually dark outside.

“Caleb,” she croaked, her voice giving out on her. She got unsteadily to her feet and started moving towards the door, unable to stop the racking sobs that shook her body. She stepped out into the hall and nearly crashed into Yasha just beyond the door.

“Beau? I heard a noise, I was coming to check on you. What’s wrong?”

She just stepped farther into Yasha’s body, pressing her forehead against the taller woman’s collarbone and sobbing into her shirt. “I died last night,” she whispered, though she knew that it wouldn’t make a lick of sense to Yasha. “I watched myself die. She was so scared and alone, I can’t-” a sob cut her off and she gave up on trying to speak. Yasha reach around her, gently and awkwardly patting her back. “I’m sorry,” Beau started again, but this time when she got cut off it was by Yasha kindly shushing her.

“Shh, it’s alright.”

She laid the books and letters out on the war room table, sniffling occasionally and wiping at her nose with her sleeve. “This is what I found in the offices. It was real, it wasn’t just a dream.”

The rest of the Mighty Nein were watching her carefully until Fjord reached over to pick up one of the letters. “You said this was a code?” he asked, looking it over. “It just looks like mushy love shit to me.”

Beau sorted through the pile of papers and handed him the one that had her translations on it. “It’s a pretty simple code. The last sentence is the key and you just decipher it from that. They all describe someone that they think is plotting to start a war with the Empire.”

“Well, apparently they were successful,” Nott mumbled, staring at the diary that she had started reading almost a week ago.

“Yes, they were. Because they killed me- they killed Hestialle. She was onto them so they took her somewhere and murdered her. When her soul went into the stolen Luxon, they kidnapped her soul basically and had someone hide it in the Empire.”

“Why though?” Jester asked. “What’s the point if she would just come back?”

“She would come back as a human. And by the time she made it to Leylas- to the Empress, if she even survived the trip, humans would be the enemy. The empress wouldn’t listen to her, wouldn’t trust her, would never be able to love her again. It was the ultimate punishment.”

“They used this to start the war,” Caleb said, understanding in his eyes. “They stole the Luxon that contained the soul of the Bright Queen’s lover and blamed it on the Empire to make her hate them and want revenge.”

“Exactly. Now, don’t get me wrong, the Empire stole the other Luxons but this particular one was an inside job.”

“It kind of worked though,” Nott interjected. “The Bright Queen is never going to believe you over this Inora person.”

Beau sighed and nodded. “I know. You’re right.”

“What if we brought the stolen Luxon back?” Yasha suggested. “We know where to start looking, near Kamordah, right?”

“I can’t ask you guys to do that,” Beau said, shaking her head. “What if I’m crazy and none of this is even real? I mean, for fuck’s sake, I’m asking you to help me chase after a dream, that’s bullshit.”

Jester grinned and ran over to hug her tightly. “Chasing after dreams sounds like so much fun! Let’s go!”

Beau smiled at her and then glanced around at the others. Everyone agreed.

“Alright,” she said, hesitating to give them more time to change their minds. “Let’s leave in the morning then. Thanks, you guys… Thanks.”

She had a dream the first night on the road.

_Beau packed up his bag as quietly as he could, trying not to wake his parents. He felt so bad for leaving them but he had no choice. All they would know is that, one night, their teenage son disappeared, never to be seen again. They were so loving, so kind. He couldn’t have asked for a better upbringing, but his home was in danger._

_Leylas needed him._

_He climbed out of the window and huffed as he fell down to the ground, landing on both feet. He needed to find the Luxon and he needed to take it back._

And the next night.

_Beau was sweaty and breathing deeply as he made it to the bottom of the well. After years of searching, he’d finally found someone who had seen the half orc man climb down here twenty years ago. Maybe it was nothing like the last three wild goose chases. He started kicking the stones, trying to find a loose one. He kicked and kicked for almost half an hour until he found one that wiggled. Gasping, he propped himself against the wall of the well to keep from falling in the water, and started digging at the stones to try to pull the loose one free. His fingertips were bleeding when the stone finally fell out and splashed into the water. He paused to take a deep breath and then kept pulling out the surrounding stones, revealing a hole hidden behind it, glowing softly with obscured light. He pulled out the leather sack and pulled it off, nearly blinded by the glow of the Luxon. He felt warmth started to fill his body and grinned._

_With great effort, he climbed back to the surface and started walking towards the lake. He had a boat to catch._

And the night after that.

She didn’t sleep for two nights after that. The death dreams were always so hard.

“Beau,” Caleb said gently, when she offered for the third night in a row to take both watches alone. “You have to sleep at some point.”

“I will,” she said. “I’ll pass out eventually, I did last time.”

He sighed and sat beside her. “I’ll stay on watch with you first,” he said. “Just in case you pass out tonight.”

She did pass out less than an hour later. Caleb pulled a blanket up over her shoulders and then turned back to the forest to watch for dangers.

_Beau sighed as she stood on the deck of her boat. She’d been trying to find her last life’s body beneath the lake near Kamordah for almost fifty years now. He hadn’t gotten a good view of the lake around him when he’d died and they had cleaned up the remains of the sunken ferry before she was even reborn, the efficient bastards._

_The townspeople thought she was crazy. And maybe she was._

_A bent old spinster looking for treasure in the lake._

_When she was younger, she would dive and search with her hands, but in her old age she just wasn’t able to move that way anymore. Now she used a net, dragging it gently through the water as deep as it could go, hoping that it caught on a leather sack that glowed faintly._

_All she caught was a lot of fish._

They reached Kamordah on a sunny day.

But Beau kept her hood pulled up anyway to keep people from recognizing her.

“So, what’s the plan?” Nott asked, sitting comfortably on Yasha’s shoulders with her halfling disguise on.

“I need to sleep again,” Beau said, keeping her voice low. “I don’t know if Hestialle’s last life found the Luxon.”

“We’ll get a hotel room. One night, in and out, before your parents can even hear that we came to town,” Fjord suggested.

Beau bit her lip, frowning. “Yeah,” she said. “One night.”

Her next lifetime died of fever when they were six, before their memories even started to return.

Beau woke, feeling like she was burning up in her own skin. She threw the blankets off of her body and marched across the hallway at the inn to the water basin. It was filled with dirty, cool water and she dunked her head under it. When she pulled her head out, she was breathing deeply, unable to catch her breath, and her hair stuck to her face and in her mouth.

She nearly jumped out of her skin when strong arms wrapped gently around her waist and she looked down, instantly recognizing Jester’s blue skin. She relaxed into Jester’s hold and laid her heated forehead against the stone wall.

“You’re alright now,” Jester whispered. “I’ve got you.”

“I hate it,” Beau hissed. “I fucking hate it. Why the fuck am I going through this? I’ve watched myself die three times now. Why show me that? Why do I have to feel that?”

Jester paused and laid her cheek against Beau’s back. The only sound for several seconds was the _drip-drip_ as water fell from her face and hair and landed back in the basin. “Are you ready to talk about it now? Your past lives, everything you’re seeing? You’ve been avoiding all our questions. We’re with you no matter what, Beau, but it would help if we knew what you were going through.”

“I don’t understand it,” she said, shaking her head. “I can’t explain what I don’t fucking understand.”

“You don’t need to explain it. We don’t need to understand it. Just tell us how you feel so that we can help you feel better.”

Beau let out a shaking sigh and nodded. “Get Caleb. I’ll tell you both at the same time.”

Jester nodded against her back but didn’t let her go right away. She held on for another few minutes before leaving the basin room and walking towards the room that Caleb was sharing with Nott. Beau picked up a moist, crusty towel and wiped the water from her face and then pulled her wet hair up out of her eyes. She took a moment to look in the dusty, fingerprint marked mirror and almost expected to see a face that wasn’t her own.

“I feel like I’m fucking losing myself,” Beau said, when she, Jester, and Caleb were sitting back in her room. “Am I even Beauregard anymore? Or am I Hestialle? Am I allowed to be both? I feel…” She took a deep breath and scratched at her undercut. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to feel,” she said. “In Hestialle’s diaries she describes the process. You start getting your memories back around puberty and then your old memories and your new life blend together seamlessly. Not like this, not these choppy, half finished dreams and half remembered deaths. But I’m still separate and I want to stay seperate. I don’t want to be her, I want to be me. But I don’t fucking know if she’s going to let me. If I keep resisting, will she just take me over? Will Beau stop existing completely? I mean, for fuck’s sake, this is bullshit! I’m losing my goddamn mind!”

“Beau,” Jester said gently, her eyes looking slightly damp with tears though none fell down her cheeks. “Of course you’re still you, you’ll always be you.”

“But what if I don’t exist in the first place? What if I’ve been Hestialle this entire time and my past, my choices, my wants, and my desires… what if they were hers this whole time? Do the things I’ve been through even matter?”

“Beau.” It was Caleb who spoke this time. “The things you have been though are what make you you. Hestialle has not been through those things. Hestialle never lived in the same house with your father, Hestialle never bootlegged her family’s wine for pocket money. Hestialle was never kidnapped on her own father’s dime and forced to become a monk against her will. Beau went through those things, that’s why you are still separate. Because you are your own person, even with her memories inside of you. You are stronger than her.”

Beau breathed in through her nose and held it for a moment, releasing it as she fell onto the bed and put her face in her hands. “Thanks. I do feel a little better.”

“Do you think you’ll be able to get back to sleep tonight?” Jester asked.

“I’ll try. I still need to find out if one of… if one of my past lives found the Luxon.”

“If it’s too hard, we can wait. I don’t want you to push yourself.”

“The longer we’re in town, the more likely it is that my parents find out about me. We have to find the Luxon quick and leave.”

“We could use locate object,” Jester suggested. “Me and Caduceus could do it all over the lake.”

“That would take days, and if the Luxon isn’t in the lake at all it’ll be for nothing. I’ll try to have another dream and see if it leads anywhere.”

She did not fall back to sleep that night.

Or the next. She laid in her bed and stared at the ceiling, willing herself to fall asleep but it never came for her. Everytime she closed her eyes she saw herself die all over again. There was a knock on the door and Beau glanced at Jester to make sure that it hadn’t woken her up.

“Go away, whoever you are,” she groaned. “We’re trying to sleep.”

There was another gentle knock. She groaned but she wasn’t getting to sleep tonight anyway. She climbed out of bed, pulling on a pair of pants and marching towards the door. She pulled it open but she didn’t recognize the human man on the other side.

“Beauregard?” he asked, an even smile on his unremarkable face.

Beau sniffed and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “Uh huh?”

“Your father wishes to see you.”

Beau froze, her eyes widening. “What? Now? It’s the middle of the fucking night.”

“Your father wishes to see you now, Beauregard.”

Beau sighed and rolled her eyes. She paused to glance back at Jester, trying to decide if it was worth it to wake her up and let her know where she was going, but deciding against it. She wouldn’t be gone long. “Yeah,” she mumbled, stepping out into the hallway. “Alright.”

He cleared his throat and held up a hand to stop her. “You father wishes to see you with a shirt on.”

“This _is_ a shirt,” she said, gesturing to her sleeveless crop top. It was a shirt in the loosest definition of the word, it was basically a bra.

“Your father wishes to see you with an _appropriate_ shirt on.”

“Well, it’s this or nothing. And when I say ‘nothing’ I don’t mean that I won’t go see him. I mean that I will strip down right here and march through town up to his front door butt ass naked. How’s he gonna like that, huh?”

The man cleared his throat. “The shirt you have on will be fine.”

“You’re damn right it will be. Let’s go. After you.”

They walked through the mostly empty streets to the edge of town where the Lionett Estate stood on top of Lion’s Head hill in all it’s motherfucking glory.

Beau was led into the foyer by the man who seemed to be the new butler. “I’ll announce your presence,” he said.

Beau waved her hand dismissively and started looking around at what she could see from the foyer. It was like every trace of her had been erased. It was like she had never existed. The chairs that her mother had let her pick out were replaced. The carpet that her grandmother had given her for her birthday (it was fucking awful gift for a seven year old, but still) was gone too, leaving only the meticulously clean wood floors. She hadn’t had many opportunities to make this home her own while she was here, but the few that she’d been allowed had all been wiped away. The butler returned a few minutes later.

“He will see you now. Please keep noise to a minimum, your mother and brother are sleeping.”

Beau followed him up the stairs and through the quiet halls. They passed by a room that used to be hers, but the gold plated sign that had once read ‘Beauregard Amelie’ had been replaced by an almost identical one that read ‘Baron Phillipe’.

She sneered. “They named him ‘Baron’? Poor little fucker.”

The butler didn’t reply and just lead her to what she knew to be her father’s office. He opened the door and let her enter alone before shutting it behind her. Her father was waiting for her, his fingers tented and his chin resting on his thumbs.

“I’ll be honest, Beauregard-”

“That’ll be a first.”

He continued, unperturbed. “I didn’t expect you to defy my demands that you never return.”

“I’m not here for you. I wasn’t planning on even seeing you. I was hoping I’d be out of here before you even knew I’d come through.”

“Then why are you here?”

She shrugged and avoided his eyes. He could always tell when she was lying, he had a sixth sense about it. “Cobalt business. You understand. You sent me there after all.”

“Well, I hope you understand that if you cause any trouble for me or mine while you’re passing through, there will be hell to pay.”

“Been to hell and back twice already, that shit doesn’t scare me.” She could see his face starting to turn red with anger and rolled her eyes. “I’ll be out of here in a couple days, I’ll barely leave the inn. You won’t even notice me. Cross my heart and hope you die.” She turned back towards the door but paused before she opened it. “Why did you wait until the middle of the fucking night to call for me?”

“I didn’t want your mother to know that you were here, of course. She hasn’t been feeling well and your presence would only upset her further.”

Beau groaned and rolled her eyes, pulling the door open violently and slamming it behind her. The hall was empty, the butler gone. She sighed and started walking back the way she came. She knew the way out. She paused when she passed by Baron’s room just as she heard a cry coming from behind the door.

She frowned and glanced over her shoulder, waiting a beat to see if anyone else heard it before quietly opening the door and stepping inside. There was a crib against the far wall. Her old crib, repainted blue instead pink. She crept towards it and peeked in.

The baby stopped crying when he saw her, though his little bottom lip wiggled pathetically and he reached up for her.

Beau didn’t pick him up, she felt like that would be crossing some kind of line, but she did smile down at him. “Hi,” she said, softly. “I’m your big sister.” It was the first time she had called herself that. “You don’t know me… you probably won’t ever know me. Don’t listen to what they tell you about me, alright? I tried. I really did. I tried to wear the dresses, I tried to learn all fifteen thousand different types of fucking spoons, I tried to like boys like they wanted me to. But it was killing me. That person wasn’t me. And it doesn’t have to be you either, if you don’t want it to be. You get to be whoever the fuck you want. And if you ever have to leave this place to do that, come find me and I’ll take care of you, alright? Promise.”

There were footsteps outside the door and by the time the door opened and the nurse maid stepped inside, Beau had already shoved herself through the window and jumped down to the ground.

When she got back, Jester hadn’t stirred at all and she fell right to sleep.

_She was old again when she pulled the Luxon out of the lake. She cried and laughed and clutched it to her chest. Tensions between the Dynasty and the Empire were growing by the day, she didn’t have a lot of time. She went back to the home that she shared with her twin sister and started to pack a bag, but then her sister, Dellilah, grew ill._

_Hestialle was torn. Did she take care of the family that she had in this life or the one she’d left behind a hundred and fifty six years ago? Delliah’s children had grown and gone and couldn’t return because they’d had children of their own._

_She stayed with Delillah._

_When Delliah died, Hestialle felt that her own time in this life was coming to an end as well. She buried the Luxon with her sister’s body in the church cemetery. She died a few weeks later, just hours before Mrs. Lionett who lived up on Lion’s Head hill went into labor with her first child._

It took some bribes to some shady priests but the next morning found Fjord and Yasha digging up an old woman’s grave.

Beau found the Luxon in the arms of a sister she never had and Nott left her flowers before they exited town that evening. Beau stopped at her own grave and didn’t leave anything.

The journey back to Rosohna was blissfully free of dreams.

The Bright Queen sat regally in her throne as the Mighty Nein were lead inside. Beau clutched the rucksack in her hand tightly, trying to calm her furiously beating heart. This was the first time she’d seen Leylas since she knew about what they used to be. She had always been attracted physically to the Queen, but this was the first time Beau would see her since she found out that they used to be in love.

Part of her had assumed that that love would still be there. That it would transfer over from her past lifetimes. Hestialle had been in love with Leylas up until the day Beau was born.

But when Beau saw her, she felt nothing but the usual lust.

The Bright Queen gave them all a kind smile. “What brings our heroes here today?”

Everyone turned to look at Beau and she let out the breath that she’d been holding since they’d walked inside. She reached into her rucksack and pulled out the leather wrapped Luxon. Even though it was still wrapped up, she could see the gently glow. She pulled the leather bag away and lifted the Luxon up into the air.

“You found another,” The Bright Queen gasped, getting to her feet and moving towards them. “Oh, you continue to-”

“I have to-” Beau started speaking, then cleared his throat when she realized that she’d cut the queen off. “Sorry. There’s something you should know. This Luxon wasn’t stolen by the Empire. It was stolen by one of your advisors. Someone named Inora. She killed Hestialle Kykus-” There was an audible gasp in the room as the name was mentioned. “-So that her soul would go into the Luxon, then she sent the Luxon across the mountains and into the Empire so that when Hestialle was reborn, she wouldn’t be able to come back to you and you would blame and hate the Empire for stealing her.”

The queen’s face turned stony. “This is a devastating accusation. Do you have any proof?”

Beau took a deep breath and nodded. “My name is Beauregard. But before that, I was Yolonda Triven, and before that I was Bethany Dolls, then I was Belle Tomsen, and Jason Hatterly, and before all of those I was Hestialle Kykus. My memories started to come back a little bit in dreams over the last few months and I-”

“ Silence.” The Queen was glaring at her now. “How dare you invoke that name in this place. Get out. Leave the Luxon and get out of my sight.”

“I will know you-” Beau started, as loud as she could as the guards started towards them. “I will know and love you, no matter the lifetime, no matter the distance!”

The Queen froze and met Beau’s eyes for the first time. There were tears gathering in the corners. “Wait.” She said it in almost a whisper but the guards stopped. She started towards her, stopping only a few inches in front of her. “What were her last words to me?” Leylas asked. “What did she say the last time I heard her voice?”

“I said ‘Die well, Love. We’ll see each other again.’ Then you asked me to stay until you died. And I told you that they would have to drag me away.”

The tears escaped Leylas’ eyes and she turned sharply. “Hand the Luxon over to my guards and come with me. Beauregard only. Please. And guards, have Inora arrested and brought to me.”

Beau handed the Luxon off like she was asked and exchanged a quick look with the rest of the Mighty Nein.

Jester was grinning at her and giving her a thumbs up. Caleb looked nervous, as usual, but he managed a strained smile. Yasha looked concerned, like she was prepared to follow even though the Queen had asked for Beau alone but Nott held her back with a gently hand on her knee. Fjord smiled at her and nodded and Caduceus looked utterly lost at what was happening, but happy all the same.

She followed.

The Queen took her through the hallways, passed confused guards, and into a room that appeared to be some kind of office. There was a large wooden desk near the far wall and the walls were covered in various artifacts. She recognized Hestialle’s shield hanging behind the desk.

Leylas turned to her when the door was shut and they were alone. There was tear tracks on her cheeks but she didn’t seem even an ounce less refined than she had in the throne room.

“Why didn’t you come to me immediately, Hestialle?”

Beau sighed. “Because, I’m not Hestialle anymore. It’s different. The process got… disrupted. I don’t have all the memories of my past lives, they come in bits and pieces. I’m still Beau, even though I have Hestialle’s memories inside my head.”

The woman seemed to collapse and Beau moved to catch her, but she just threw herself into a nearby chair like she didn’t have any energy left in her body. She was openly sobbing into her hands and Beau felt awkward, like she was intruding on a moment meant for Hestialle. “So she’s really gone? She won’t come back to me?”

“No, she won’t.”

Leylas looked up at her and met her eyes. “And you… you don’t love me, do you?”

Beau sighed and shook her head. “No. I’m my own person. I’m not her.” It was the first time that she had said those words that she truly believed them. “She… she didn’t want you to go to war with the Empire. Inora got rid of her because she knew the Hestialle would have lead you down the path of peace and she wanted to influence you into war.”

Leylas was silent for several long moments as she gathered herself. She cleaned off her face and cleared her throat. “I understand. You may go, Beauregard. I… I don’t think that I can thank you for the news that Hestialle is lost to me but I do thank you for bringing back the Luxon and for showing me the traitor in my midst.”

Beau nodded and started towards the door, but she paused and turned back, clearing her throat. “Could I ask one favor? Could you have me disconsecrated? I don’t want to come back after this. I want this one life that I get to mean something.”

Leylas’ breath stuttered but she still wouldn’t look Beau in the eyes. “Speak with Essek, he’ll arrange the ceremony.”

“Thank you.”

Beau left the room and started back down the hall towards the throne room. She passed by two guards on her way and they were dragging behind a very indignant, bald lady drow with a red ruby choker and only half a finger on her left hand.

“How dare you! Unhand me at once!”

Beau smirked as they passed. “Hey, Inora!” she called. “How’s the finger?”

Inora stopped struggling and looked at Beau over her shoulder, her eyes wide with fear. “You?!” she hissed.

Beau grinned and chomped at her playfully.

Inora glared at her and started struggling anew but Beau just turned and left, smirking to herself as she rejoined her friends to go home.

If she had a dream that night, she didn’t remember it at all.


End file.
